It seems one of music’s most hotly debated topics is that of Mr. Billy Joel: does he suck or doesn’t he? Billy Joel is the kind of guy you either love or you hate. In Slate, Ron Rosenbaum called Joel “just bad, a blight upon pop music, a plague upon the airwaves more contagious than West Nile virus, a dire threat to the peacefulness of any given elevator ride, not rock ‘n’ roll but schlock ‘n’ roll…” Harsh.

But I am not a pretentious critic full of withering contempt and I fucking love Billy Joel. I get down to Billy Joel on vinyl, while driving in my car and even sometimes during a workout. But lately I have been thinking about how even though I dig his tunes, Billy Joel’s cheap and naïve lyrics seem to have it all wrong. So I have re-written the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, “You May Be Right,” to better reflect the reality of being almost 30, out of love, and in the dating world. If Billy Joel actually had to date instead of just get married over and over, he might better understand that it isn’t actually a lunatic most of us are looking for.

“You Are Probably Wrong”

Friday night we had our date

Saturday you said you’d call

Sunday came and still no word from you

You were only being mean

You were hurting someone

And you enjoyed your weekend like you do

I’ve been stranded in the friend zone

I walked through Denver all alone

You drove your car after too much beer

And I told you not to do it

But you made it home alive

So I said that only proves that you’re insane

I may be right

You may be crazy

And it isn’t actually a lunatic that I’m looking for

Turn out the light

I won’t try to save you

You may be wrong and I already know

And I am right

Remember how I found you there

Alone in your reclining chair

You told me shitty things until I cried

You were lonely for a boy

You said “Take me as I am”

But I won’t enjoy your madness after a while

Now think of all the weeks I tried to

See if you could satisfy me

You are as crazy as I say

Since you’re crazy then it’s true

That it isn’t at all because of me

And I would never want you the way you are

I may be right

You may be crazy

And it isn’t actually a lunatic I’m looking for

I don’t want to fight

It’s too late to change you

You may be wrong for all I know

And I am right

I am right

You are crazy

And it isn’t actually a lunatic that I am looking for

Turn out the light

I won’t try to save you

You are wrong for all I know

And I am right

You are wrong and I am right

You are wrong and I am right