To My Faithful Followers (Part 2)

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.”-Henry David Thoreau

To My Faithful Followers (Part 2)-

This week marks the second anniversary of my first public blog post on “Confessions of a Banshee.” It consequently also marks the end of a year in my life that I can only describe as weighty.

At the time of my first anniversary post, I was high on blogging. I had published 99 blogs and seven columns in one year. Though dating provided me plenty of fodder, I felt inspired in every way imaginable. I turned even inane experiences into articulate insight. I lived to blog, and blogged to find meaning and purpose.

Last fall, after the death of my grandfather and confirmation that I needed to undergo a fifth heart surgery, my purpose became one of survival and barely more.

Grief is a strange thing. In its hazy clutches, I misplaced a unique and stunning family heirloom—the butterfly ring that my great-grandfather gave to my great-grandmother for their 40th wedding anniversary. I still cry if I think about it for too long.

Anxiety is a strange thing, too. In its angst and activation, I spent countless hours laying in bed imagining what it might be like for my mother to find my lifeless body come morning.

My brain felt soggy like grass underneath a leaky sprinkler. My heart beat with the anticipation of a someone awaiting release from prison. If weights had been secured to my limbs, I would not have noticed. They already felt so heavy.

I reserved much of my energetic stamina for the vulnerable clients with whom I work in my job as a social worker. At the end of the day I hardly had strength to complete the required tasks of a functioning adult, let alone to write cohesively.

Blogging began to feel like a chore and not like the privilege it always had, especially as my heart surgery drew nearer. I simply tried to remember to breathe. And as I recovered from surgery, I hoped that gratitude would overwhelm the pain.

It didn’t.

As I reflect on the significant drop in my writing production from one year to the next, a few profundities come to mind.

I did what I could, when I could. No more, no less.

There is a time to turn inward. Reflection need not always be external. Freedom and joy are sometimes best found in solitude, in silence, in stillness.

Creativity can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred or changed from one form to another.

I never truly leave any place that I love, for a part of it I take with me, thus leaving a part of myself behind.

Meaningful connections endure. I wrote very little this past year. When I did write, I wrote mostly about sadness and suffering. And you, you beautiful and brilliant people, still read.

Thank you for your time, your energy and your kind words. Thank you for your sharing your experiences and perspectives. Thank you for your love and support.

Thank you for showing up for me when my words show up for you, no matter how much time has passed.

Thank you with love and deep gratitude, from the bottom of my bionic heart, for supporting this brash Banshee blogger.

7 thoughts on “To My Faithful Followers (Part 2)

  1. You just write whenever and whatever you like, dear Banshee. I held my breath a bit while reading this episode because I dreaded that the end woud be that you would never write to us again. Thank you for not totally pulling the plug (although I would understand if or when you did).
    This old hippie retired Clinical Social Worker sends you:
    Peace & Love, Always

  2. It is so easy to connect with you when reading your blog. So much that I worry about your health, your happiness and, most importantly, your soul. You have a heart for serving, for helping others. My prayer is that you will find what you need for your own peace and joy, that someone will enter your life to put healing salve on the hurting places. Most of all, I pray that, if you have not done so already, you will fall into the open arms of Jesus, our Savior, for the complete healing of your heart.

  3. No matter what path you take I will be forever grateful for all the gifts you have
    given us. I’m especially thankful for your blogs that honestly validate the social work profession at a time when it is so underappreciated and misperceived.
    Be well Banshee, be well.

  4. Dear Banshee sister,
    Your sharings of reflection through closely being present with life’s joys and trials, has been a continual blessing to me and many. You have boldly looked into what Gautama Buddha saw upon contemplation — the First Noble Truth , that life encompasses suffering. Your willingness to be transparent to, ney, intimate with us in sharing that has continually inspired us to address pain where we find it— to temain awake rather than turning away. More power to you Banshee in your ongoing healing and next steps. And many butterflies continue to grace your Path as it is not in the material only that the butterfly ring was given. With love, gratitude and admiration.
    Kate

  5. So good to see your post. Take it from a 72 year old twice retired social worker, there won’t be another year harder for you than this one. It really does get better, easier and happier. Please write when you can; we love hearing from you and wish you well always!

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