Almost two months ago now my poor little Nissan Versa (Clarence Bernard) was smashed into by a big white Jeep as I drove undistractedly down the road. Even with my quick reaction and evasive maneuvering, the entire passenger side of Clarence was obliterated.

Aside from sustaining whiplash and acquiring a serious case of the “are-you-shitting-mes,” I am perfectly fine. Clarence, on the other hand, is far from fine. My should-have-been-totaled car has now been in the shop since September and will not be fully repaired for another 2-3 weeks.

I understand that accidents happen and that they are, well, accidental. I also understand that accidents are more likely to occur when drivers are under stress. Due to the influx of transplants and our city’s inability to keep pace with its growth, driving in Denver is nothing short of hellish.

Denver today is a disgraceful amalgamation of driving styles from around the country. Denver is where drivers who sped out of California (and rolled through all the stop signs along the way) meet New York drivers who lay on their car horn as if it’s a bed. Denver is where drivers from Iowa, Wyoming, Nebraska, Missouri and Kansas ride their brakes without reason and drive at the speed of farm equipment. Denver is where drivers from Florida and Texas turn without signaling and tailgate as if they are at a college football game. And no one should expect to drive in Denver without being flipped off, yelled at or otherwise road-raged by drivers from Boston (Massholes). Do not even get me started on the varying attitudes towards cyclists and pedestrians.

After my accident I felt grateful that I was not injured, that I did not have a passenger or my dog in the car and that the man who hit me had insurance. But my gratefulness faded. In Denver there is a constant slew of inconsiderate idiot drivers to whom I have now provided the following guidelines for their convenience and consideration.

Do not drive too fast. Do not drive too slow. Do not tailgate. Do not drive in the left lane of the highway unless you are passing. Do not ride your brakes on the highway. Do not attempt to go through a light in heavy traffic unless you have room to clear the entire intersection. Put your phone down. Do not cut people off. Let people over. Wave when someone lets you over. Use turn signals. Stop yelling. Stop honking. And do not give the middle finger unless you quite literally want to fuck its recipient.

And that just about sums up my rant for all you guys who suck at traffic.